Some of the habits we pick up as children, meant to keep us safe, can quietly rob us of real connection in adulthood. Dr Ingrid Clayton, a clinical psychologist and author based in Los Angeles who specialises in trauma and family relationships, describes “fawning” as a subtle but powerful pattern that pushes people further from themselves and their loved ones.

According to Dr Clayton: “Fawning is not a conscious choice, it is a relational trauma response.” For many, it begins in homes where peace depended on reading the room, pleasing others, and avoiding conflict. Over time, the nervous system learns to equate safety with self-silencing. “When faced with the double bind of ‘keep yourself safe’ or ‘raise your self-esteem,’ the body chooses safety every time,” says Dr Clayton. That protective instinct may keep the peace, but it blocks the kind of open conversation and authentic presence that allow families to truly know one another.

These habits can be hard to spot. Fawning often wears the mask of helpfulness, agreeableness, and empathy. From the outside, it may look like kindness. Inside, it can feel like self-erasure, leaving the fawner feeling invisible even in the middle of the family circle.

What is the cost? Quiet estrangement. Families gather, roles are performed, and conversations stay on the surface. No one rocks the boat, but no one feels fully seen, either.

Change is possible, Dr Clayton reassures. Naming old patterns, practicing small boundaries, and welcoming one’s true self into family life can begin to close the gap. “Unfawning ourselves is welcoming ourselves to the party…to finally be ourselves,” she says. That first step, however small, can lead to real closeness, one honest moment at a time.