The Case for the Child Who Is Not the Star

If you have ever lain awake worrying that your child lacks confidence, avoids trying new things, or fades into the background while others charge ahead, this is for you. Many parents quietly fear that self-doubt is a warning sign of future failure. What follows explains why that instinct might be wrong, and how the very trait that worries you now could become one of your child’s greatest strengths.

In Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success, parenting expert Michelle Icard, based in North Carolina in the United States, identifies a group of children she calls the Benchwarmers. These are not children who lack ability. They are children who struggle to believe in themselves. They hesitate before raising a hand, shy away from auditions or trials, and assume others are more deserving of attention or success.

Icard argues that this pattern is often misunderstood by adults. Parents tend to see self-doubt as something to be corrected quickly, especially in a culture that prizes confidence and assertiveness. But the book reframes self-doubt as a necessary stage of development rather than a flaw.

“On the contrary, a person who never experiences self-doubt is probably not a nice person to be around,” Icard writes. The absence of self-doubt, she suggests, often produces arrogance rather than resilience.

Benchwarmer children are frequently compliant and well-behaved. They might not demand much from parents or teachers, which can allow their uncertainty to go unnoticed. Over time, this can quietly reinforce the belief that they matter less than their louder peers. Well-meaning parents might respond by pushing harder or offering constant reassurance. Icard cautions that this approach can unintentionally increase pressure.

“Feeling like a failure isn’t just an uncomfortable part of growing up; it’s a necessary and valuable experience,” she explains. Children who are allowed to sit with self-doubt, rather than being rushed past it, learn how to recover when confidence falters later in life.

The Christmas season often brings these dynamics into sharper focus. Family gatherings, school performances, and comparisons with siblings or cousins can magnify a child’s uncertainty. Icard suggests that this quieter time of year can also create space for conversations that are not driven by outcomes. Listening without correcting, and noticing effort rather than results, can help children feel secure enough to take risks when they are ready.

The long-term outlook for Benchwarmers is not bleak. Icard notes that these children often grow into thoughtful adults who lead without arrogance and support others without needing the spotlight. Their progress might be slower and less visible, but it is often deeper.