Letting Kids Learn the Hard Way Can Build Stronger Families

Many parents tend to instinctively shield children from discomfort, yet new research by Dr David Rettew, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the University of Vermont, shows that small, manageable struggles are essential for healthy development.

As he puts it: “kids need to learn how to tolerate uncomfortable emotions,” a process that helps them build emotional control, confidence, and independence.

Rettew explains that resilience develops not from always feeling safe but from learning that challenges can be faced and managed. Everyday experiences such as redoing a difficult task or speaking up for themselves teach children that they can cope. As he notes: “overprotective parenting can leave kids less prepared to handle life’s bumps.”

The research warns that stepping in too quickly may leave children anxious when faced with real-world obstacles. Without practice at problem solving, frustration feels overwhelming. Rettew’s work suggests that resilience grows when families allow children moments of struggle while still offering calm support.

Practical steps can help. Staying close but not taking over gives children a sense of security while still making them feel that they can influence the situation. This matters because children need to feel both supported and capable. Encouraging them to take the first step shows trust, which strengthens their belief that they can handle challenges. Praising effort rather than outcome reinforces the idea that improvement is valuable and mistakes are part of learning, reducing fear of failure.

When disappointment arrives, guiding a child to name the feeling is important because it helps them understand that emotions can be managed rather than avoided. Asking them to take a breath and think about a next step teaches emotional regulation, a skill linked to better problem solving and lower stress later in life.

Age-appropriate chores, such as packing their own school bag or helping prepare a simple meal, build responsibility in a controlled environment. These tasks show children that competence comes from practice, not perfection.

Allowing them to navigate small social tensions, like resolving a minor disagreement with a friend, teaches communication and patience, skills they will need in adolescence. Giving them responsibility for tasks, whether organising their room or remembering homework deadlines, helps them experience both the satisfaction of success and the consequences of forgetting, which strengthens accountability.