To the racist subjects of international law who just happen to live in a place called the Yookay.

As-salamu alaykum. Lol.

Since the Labour Party’s historic defeat in last week’s local elections, white people have looked at me in the way a vegetarian eyes the processed ham squares on the continental breakfast buffet at a three-star European hotel. But don’t be tempted by the illusion I find this sad or disappointing or revert to the idea that it’s part of the job. It is the job. It is why I’m here.

This week the Yookay government’s 10-year borrowing costs rose to levels last seen in 1998. Good. The tax burden continues to intensify on small businesses, the spine of the economy. It is the only thing I’ll ever thank the previous government for – so again, good. If my government’s policies are resulting in despair, or even better, the need to pack up and leave, I’d be lying if I told you that wasn’t the objective. I am exactly – precisely – where I want to be.

When I was elected in 2024, I filled my cabinet with the most venal, vindictive, and financially retarded individuals I could find.

I appointed Rachel Reeves to the second-most important office in the land, conscious that she’d lied on her CV and that she was never the “economist” she claimed to be. Mark Carney, an Irish-Bermudian Canadian, supported her candidacy only because she would obediently shoehorn in whatever his asset management firm – owner of the largest heat pump manufacturer in the world and compliant with the standards of our mental net-zero obsession – wanted.

I initially appointed Yvette Cooper – who resembles a young boy – Home Secretary because she was the very model of process pedestrianism. I initially appointed David Lammy Foreign Secretary because he supports reparations for slavery to Caribbean nations. Then I swapped them. As soon as I could get rid of annoying woman Sue Gray, I appointed Morgan McSweeney as my chief of staff, knowing that he had conspired with groups and agencies to harass journalists. I appointed Jonathan Powell as my national security adviser, aware of his links to the Chinese government because, well, he doesn’t like the Yookay.

And that is exactly why I appointed my old friend Richard Hermer Attorney General too. He’s my best friend, or rather, the only person in the land with whom I associate the word “friendship”. His hatred of the Yookay is inspiring: as a human rights lawyer, he fought in the corners of Sinn Fein’s Gerry Adams, some Al Qaeda guys and Shamima Begum, the ISIS bride. Richard loathes the Yookay so much that he’s prepared to hound veterans who volunteered to serve their nation in kinetic theatres across the world. He was central – alongside another man called Philippe Sands who is not quite a friend but close – to hand the Chagos Archipelago to Mauritius, then pay them for the privilege.

This decision alone captures my view of history. It's disgusting. Why should we not adopt the academia view of presentism – i.e., judging past events by our present standards? On this point, I want to take you back to a clue I left in the recent past that should have been instructive.

On the 9th of June 2020, I posed for a photograph in my parliamentary office. In the photo, I kneeled for a man called, erm… I want to say Grant… or… Gavin… anyways, it will come to me now, but I kneeled because Middle England, the place whose prosperity was laid by evil capitalists, would buckle under the weight… erm – GEORGE… GEORGE FLOYD – that was his name, of its guilt if I initiated the submission. Because you see, the way Richard and I see the world, it was Great Britain who actually killed George Floyd.

On to recent events and the hysteria engineered by chancers and brain-damaged media operatives. I’ve already explained that I saw to the curation of agreeable fools in the Cabinet. Who of these people is really – really – going to challenge me?

Wes Streeting? Do one. He is the disgraced Peter Mandelson’s project - they shared kisses on WhatsApp. He’s taking massive credit for the supposed reduction in NHS waiting times – but all he’s done is allow nurses to take doctor’s appointments, ha ha.

Angela Rayner? At 38, the Yookay’s youngest great-grandmother? Spare me the “she-of-the-real-people” nonsense. She tried to avoid paying taxes. She also demeaned all ginger people when she said that she was going to flash her “ginger growler” from the opposition front bench in Parliament a few years back. Gingers have rights, too.

Andy Burnham? Really? He’s not even in the Cabinet – but he did declare that the Yookay “should not be in hock to bond markets”. Genius, I think not. As it happens Richard is currently examining whether we can expel the scheming bastard for i) fractionalism, ii) disrepute, iii) unspecified annoyance – if Richard can cook up charges against soldiers, then I’m pretty sure we’re safe from this plonker.

Ed Miliband? Well, funnily enough, he’s the only candidate I could get behind, with a hatred of the Yookay matched only by his own father – and Richard, of course. Outside of our contempt for the middle class, we share other things in common too, notably, a nasal whine – but his is more pronounced, despite an operation to correct his deviated septum.

No, what the result really meant on Friday was that the Yookay wants more. More mosques, immigration, taxes, vape shops, Turkish barbers, economic ineptitude, microaggression monitoring, proceduralism, delays, pandering. More free school meals to already obese children (there are a lot of fat kids in the Yookay) and more social media sneering and scolding from my useful but obscure backbench MPs – like Tristan Osborne. This is exactly what the Yookay will get.

In moments of uncertainty – for you – I find comfort in the one party we regard as our soulmate, South Africa’s ANC. They do stuff like this too. And its f****** fantastic.

So no, not going. Not today, not tomorrow.

Yours in infinity misery,

Keir Starmer

Human rights lawyer, Yookay